Morning Warm Up: July 17th, 2012

Ok, so from now on I'm gonna dump a morning warm up on this blog. They'll probably be short, typo ridden and pointless, but hey whatever, it's a warm up. Jesus I'm grumpy without my coffee... Enjoy?

I would like to know where the fuck my good Dragonball Z game is. Seriously. It’s not funny anymore. Wherever you’re hiding it, just stop. Oh, you’re not hiding anything because it doesn’t exist? Oh, Burst Limit...? That’s swell. Ok, nevermind, I’ll talk to someone else. 


Hi there, someone else: I have this really amazing idea for a fighting game. Using the overpowered, technically monumental game creation equipment available to us in 2012, create a massive outdoor arena complete with mountains, caverns, valleys and cities. You can do that? Excellent.

Next, to the combatants. They’re powerful. Extremely powerful. Think Superman with no weakness to kryptonite, no moral code, awesome clothes, and the ability to fire massive energy blasts from his hands. Still with me? Good. The hand to hand combat is crushing. Energy charged fists crash into the faces of the fighters as their ever weakening energy shields buckle under the strain (did I mention they have energy shields instead of a health bar? No? Well, that’s kind of important).

As the fight escalates, the rage of each fighter increases, allowing them to execute more powerful attacks. Attacks like an energy wave that will send their opponent flipping backwards into a mountain. This action results in a silent battlefield. The fighter that unleashed the energy wave flies into the air, surveying his surroundings filled with the hope that his online opponent had a weakened energy shield when he hit the mountain. False hope. What starts as a glint on the horizon turns into a enraged superhuman in the blink of an eye. An enraged superhuman who grinds his opponent into the ground, sending boulder sized chunks of rock into the air.

The battle carries on for half an hour real-time, twenty-four hours in-game and it covers all the topography the open world has to offer. As the battle reaches its climax during a thunderstorm on top of a skyscraper in the middle of a futuristic metropolis, any gamer worth their Mario Bros. t-shirt will be sporting tears of joy. And a massive erection (if applicable).

Still with me? Here’s a napkin, wipe the slobber off of your mouth. It’s just Dragonball Z. Also, you're disgusting.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of Dragonball Z games that have attempted to capitalize on the epic conflicts that the show is famous for, but they always have stiff controls and hollow combat systems. Even as a fan of the show, these games are just temporary distractions that seem to serve the sole purpose of reminding me how unbelievably amazing a Dragonball Z game could be if proper care was taken to flesh out the more epic elements inherent in the combat. Even if it wasn’t necessarily a Dragonball Z property, where’s the video game that features a battle sequence like the one I described above? Not a battle sequence that takes place as a series of QTE’s, but one that embraces the depth of a fighting game. A good fighting game.

Furthermore, when did game designers stop dreaming big? In every game I play I just schlub around an oversized map that looks like it’s been diagnosed with a terminal case of England in search of gear that looks exactly the same as the gear that I already have so I can keep doing the same shit somewhere else. (I played D&D. You can’t impress me Bethesda.) Or I run around shooting a bunch of aliens or terrorists while a fuckton of really awesome things that I can't interact with go on in the background. Or I'm relegated to pushing one of four buttons like a glorified projectionist while my character does some awesome shit right in front of me that I have no control over. Every idea gets rebooted, except the unique ones.

Where’s Zone of the Enders 3? For that matter, where’s any fucking game that’s not a direct sequel of or identical to something I played last year? I shouldn't be able to sit here (with a complete and realistic grasp of how a video games are designed and produced and what they're capable of) and come up with at least ten completely different ideas for new or heavily modified game genres while video game companies with the best minds in silicon valley and budgets that would make the Romans blush are only capable of coming up with: “This year the gun fires farts!”

Seriously? Come on. Try harder. Or if you’re not going to try harder, at least admit it. As opposed to dressing up your rehash like it’s something original. How stupid do you think we are?