Irish Coffee - Microsoft, you dumb bastards.

I'm back baby! Slightly different stuff in the title. There's a date stamp on these things anyway. Don't know why I was typing it in manually like an old lady that licks a stamp and pastes it to her monitor before she sends an email. I was in New Orleans last weekend for a bachelor party, and, well... It was something of an event. I've only just regained my faculties (they're at about 72% charge), and the emotional damage is probably permanent, but whatever. Good times, good people, lots of alcohol. Now back to the video games. I'm going to yell at Microsoft again, because it's just so god damned easy lately.

This might sound a little unprofessional: Ahhh hahah hahah! Hahhhhh! hah! You dumb bastards!

In an attempt to yet again prove how detached they've become from the “core game market” they thought they had a grasp on and so desperately need on their side after over a week of bad press, Microsoft has officially announced that they’ll spend $1 billion on games for their next-gen, weaponized, TV stand.

I mean look at it! You could beat a man to death with the Kinect alone.

While I haven't any moral qualms with throwing money at a problem like a trust fund baby that just found a dead hooker in the trunk of his car, the real issue here is Microsoft’s industry viability moving forward. First off, one billion dollars in the scope of modern AAA development doesn’t go a long way. Modern Warfare 3 spent $300 million, all told, after an absurdly expensive advertising campaign. Granted, it’s actual budget was only $100 million, but even at that comparatively bargain basement rate, Microsoft’s big number announcement will only pay for 10 games. Hardly impressive for the life of the console.

But let’s say the money is spread out a bit. Drop money on indie titles. The kind of art house games that give the industry some much needed set dressing. Granted, it’s a bit like putting roses on the hood of a tank, but it’s better than nothing (and a topic for another day). Microsoft has certainly made it clear that their focus isn’t indie gaming. Meanwhile, Sony courts indie devs left and right, providing them with a friendlier environment. Even if Microsoft would like to get some indie devs back on their side, it’ll be quite a while before we’ll see a company-wide change in policy - such as allowing indies to self-publish on the Big Black Bocks -  significant enough to draw indie studios back to the dark side.  

"Did I say 'zero creative freedom?' I meant 'All the money. Ever.'"

Plus, indie devs are a temperamental lot, and will not work in a close minded, creatively limiting environment. “Give me money, let me make my game, leave me the fuck alone and you’ll get it when it’s done,” seems to be their mentality, and one of which Sony seems keenly aware. Also, one I can get behind. Microsoft has said recently that they’re going to have indie support on their console, but it’s clearly not a focus, and clearly not a large portion of that Big Shiny Number they put up today. Unless they want to come out and say otherwise. Until now, it's a vague "yes" that fades into cacophonous repetition of words like "integration" and "experience," and announcements that center around massive AAA titles.

Microsoft is definitely a company that pushes hard for the Bro Gamer portion of the market, and this was made no more evident than in their reveal last week. The only games shown were sports titles and Call of Duty, the only games on the beer-soaked TV stand at the average frat house. [Source: I used to sell weed to frat boys.]

Microsoft can lightly dance around this subject all they want, but everyone knows exactly what to expect. No amount of “yes, we’ll support indie devs” is going to change the reality of your big E3 “game” conference. It’s going to come up wanting. There is no way that any number of AAA titles being presented are going to outdo what we’ve seen from the more powerful and game-oriented PS4, nor are you going to convince anyone that the primary focus of the Xbone is "game console "when you came out of the gate waving your “media center” sword and screaming about integration like a prophet that stepped out of a time machine from 2006 having not realized he’d gone forward in time instead of back.

Microsoft, you've had every opportunity to make this just a little bit about video games, video gamers, and video game creators, but you've decided to dodge questions like the most teeth-grindingly frustrating of politicians and alienate the people that built the popularity of your console in the first place. (Oh the irony of mentioning that the Halo franchise built the Xbox while announcing a TV show version of it. It'd be delicious if it weren't so painfully barbed.)

As bullshit as their crisis management has been since their big reveal last week, it has been fun to watch the media fire shots at Microsoft’s feet and tell it to dance. 

"Metro: Last Light" first impressions.

Sorry I've not been posting, but this "video project" I keep mentioning is essentially a 15-20 documentary/comedy gaming show that I'm narrating in character, and as such has become the most difficult project I've ever tackled. I've been baring down on it every day, as much as I can, to the detriment of my blog and "social media presence." But whatever. I'm really proud of what's coming together, even if it completely sucks, and I hope people can at least get a chuckle out of it. NOW! Here's what I think of Metro: Last Light. My first impressions, anyway. I'll be back tomorrow, maybe a couple of more times this week. Now that I'm just editing video/audio, it's actually a welcome break to sit down and write a blog.

Metro: Last Light is a truly amazing game that I’ve been greedily devouring for a better part of the last two days. Every moment I wasn’t playing, I was thinking about it... I’m pretty sure my girlfriend thinks I’m cheating on her with a video game. A thought made no less painful by the presence of the “nudity” warning on the ESRB badge.

Can you blame me? Dat ASS...

The gameplay is well put together, the graphics are good, blah blah blah. Not what I really feel like tackling in a blog post. I’m just going to throw atmosphere up as a target and hurl thought-darts at it for a minute.

Thick, scary, eerily beautiful, profoundly well designed. The abandoned tunnels and sewers or the dilapidated surface world of Moscow in 2034 are some of the most engrossing I’ve experienced in years. If you’ve read this blog before, you’ll know I’m a environment freak. They are so principally important to what I find to be a quality gameplay experience that I’ll play through horrible games that have good environments just because I like where I am. They’re the reason I can’t play through good games like Skyrim, but can play through trash like Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City.

Unfortunately for my journalistic integrity, a lot of what I qualify as a good environment has little to do with anything the game designers do, and lots to do with what appeals to me aesthetically. I grew up in the middle of the woods - was a teenager in the middle of the woods. Therefor, the concrete and steel of an urban game hold favor over the woodland landscapes that dominate “medieval” rpgs and period shooters.

Can't it be both?

In the case of Metro: Last Light, I’m a lucky boy, and I get both a well designed environment, and one that appeals to my aesthetic sense. They also appear in the perfect context, lending an important but often neglected air of necessity to the tunnels and collapsed buildings. Appearing on a surface world long ravaged by post-nuclear environmental crises, a gust of wind picks up, hinting at the destructive and unpredictable nature of the weather. A button press wipes off your ever-present gas mask, just sprayed with debris. A distant howl of an beast not yet known to you. The sun obscured by a cloud, chases the horizon at a pace too swift to leave you comfortable as a player.

No matter the rest of my experience (my time with the single player campaign is nearly over) or the inevitable and obnoxious complaints that will come up as I come to better know this game, that particular moment I just described has stored itself in a rarely used drawer of my brain. It’s sharing that space with the first time I played Resident Evil 1 and the dogs burst through the window, or the final battle with Sephiroth in Final Fantasy 7, or my first leap from atop a church steeple in Assassin’s Creed. Metro: Last Light, for what may come, has given me a permanent gaming memory, and that’s a rare thing indeed.

Oh, and there’s a fucking revolver-shotgun that you use to shoot Wererats. And titties. Glorious Russian titties. Buy this game.

Irish Coffee, May 9th, 2013

I'm angry today. If you find this rant offensive... Good, that was the point. And stop being offended. It makes you look weak.

Jesus fuck. How sensitive is the world becoming?

Yesterday, this article popped up on Kotaku. I’ll save you the trouble of having to give them page views. The “author,” of that piece took issue with the use of a gay joke at the beginning of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon... Ahem...

Far Cry Fucking 3: Blood Dragon. A game with a crotch grabbing, misogynistic stereotype of the 80s action hero for a protagonist. A whole fucking game played as a send up to a particularly ridiculous yet inarguably awesome period in cinematic history, and you took offense to a gay joke? A game in which you shoot and stab HUNDREDS OF FUCKING PEOPLE AND TEAR OUT THEIR HEARTS! A game in which the damsel in distress takes her clothes off at the first opportunity and cyberfucks Rex Power Colt’s Metallic Wonder Cock. Yet you were offended by a gay joke?

Metallic Wonder Cock gives him +5  thrust capacity.

Ok, let’s take a step back for a second and assume that none of the rest of that stuff could possibly be construed as offensive, and forget for a moment that the entire fucking game is a joke. This is what constitutes journalism? A real conversation about important issues? A joke at the beginning of an 80s action cinema lampoon?

And is this how easily people are offended in 2013? Has it come this far? What the fuck is there going to be left to laugh at if I can’t make fun of someone’s race, sexual preference, taste in clothing, preferred fast food restaurant or favorite brand of anal lubricant? “You use astroglide? What a fag.” Will they come after The Daily Show for making fun of so many republicans? “That’s their choice and you have to respect it!” That last sentence, by the way, was in the most mocking tone I could possibly muster. In my head.

Our differences are what make comedy possible! Comedy, which has pulled us through national and international tragedy, made it possible to laugh in the face of death or danger, and was an extremely important weapon for me as a fat kid. Actual hate? Actual anger? Actually saying things or - more to the point - doing things that hurt people? Fuck that shit. Get back in your wagon and enjoy the early 20th century.

But god dammit, making fun of someone for what they are is what makes this country great (you can start humming the national anthem now). I’m proud to live in a country where someone can make fun of the fact that I’m going bald while I call them a fairy. I’m glad to know that they’ll still be my friend afterward. I’m proud to live in a country where comedians can build entire careers on making fun of another race or socioeconomic segment of society. I’m glad to know that no one thought he was being serious. I’m proud to live in a country that not only celebrates the differences in its citizenry, but pantses people for those differences.

Before I leave you with a quote from the immortal Louis C.K., I’d just like to say: If you’re offended by a joke at the beginning of a video game that is itself a bunch of jokes, you deserve to be given a wedgie and shoved in a locker. You are a little weenie. Also, you’re too young for political commentary, cuz we did over-offended already. It was called the 90s.

“In my day you didn’t call someone a faggot cuz they were gay. You called someone a faggot because they were being a fucking faggot.” - Louis C.K.

Irish Coff---CIGARETTE! NOOWWW!

Breaking format. Don't care. First things first, this is going to be another weirdly formatted blog in which I have to stick to the facts and type really quickly. Why? Because it's day TWO without nicotine and I'm having a really hard time maintaining. It's not even just that I don't have any cigarettes in my life, it's that I've never once worked without the benefit of a cigarette break, and as such I'm having a difficult time focusing. So type fast, focus focus focus, don't lose your mind. Another thing to bear in mind is that I'm really hyperactive now. Like a five-year-old in a candy store with a pocket filled with disposable income and a life filled with unfit parents. Seriously, why aren't they watching their kid? He's just going to eat all the fucking candy in the world and probably go into some kind of diabetic shock. I'm calling the cops.

Uh-oh, went a little sideways there, but it's going to happen. I've never had this much energy in my life... to the degree that I think cigarettes have been abating some pretty awful behavior. How am I going to control myself without them? I don't know. If right now is any evidence, not well at all... OH RIGHT VIDEO GAMES!

These...

...are a fuck-ton (sort of a fuck ton) of hi-res GTAV images, and my god they're gorgeous. It must be said that up until very recently, I wasn't very excited about GTAV, but upon hearing about live-switching between characters (as in, press a button or two, watch the camera swing across town to pick up the story of another character), the fully fleshed out underwater world (which can be seen in the above pictures), the Heat-style heist planning (taking knock off to a whole new level and making it into a bonafide game mode), and the sheer size of the map, I'm finally sporting a semi for the next entry in Rockstar's series.

I think my concerns were justified. The first trailer just looked a bit vanilla compared to some of the high end graphical offerings like Watch Dogs doing their turn on the catwalk. But what I should have remembered was GTA San Andreas. I should have remembered that it was the last GTA for PS2 and that it was gi-fucking-gantic. Graphically, nothing like the eventual GTA IV, but so stuffed with content that I boot it up more often than GTA IV when I want a GTA experience.

And that seems to be the case here. As opposed to wasting time and resources on a next-gen GTA, they just spit-shined (or didn't... you can never tell in promotional material from Rockstar) their existing engine, and set about adding gameplay elements that risk busting the edges of even a blu-ray for sheer size of content. Something I think will be interesting to see handled on the Xbox... how many DVDs are we talking about here?

Ok, that's it... Can't concentrate anymore. Desperate for nicotine. Going to go do some pushups and hope the exercise helps. Then eat something. PROTEIN!

Irish Coffee, May 7th, 2-SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING CIGARETTE!

Weird blog, weird format, weird day. I quit smoking yesterday, as I promised myself I would upon turning 30, and good god has it made me weird. I didn't think it was that bad, but I just reread what I wrote here today and fuck... It's not very "Ned," I'll tell you that much. But whatever, it's not too bad. Back in the saddle again after one of the worst hangovers I've had in my life, but if you ever aim to quit smoking cigarettes, I have a plan for you: Spend the evening prior drinking yourself into a stupor and smoking enough cigarettes to feel like you were orally molested by Joe Camel. When you wake up, you'll feel so completely like shit and your desire to smoke cigarettes will be so completely removed from your thoughts that you'll have no difficulty getting through the first 24 hours of non-smoking. Historically the most difficult. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl up in the fetal position and sweat like Rent-boy for a while. See you tomorrow!

Saint's Row IV

Today in Atomic Nut-Kick news, there's a new trailer for Saint's Row IV that's showing off a bit more in the way of hand-to-hand combat and the superpowers to be expected from the protagonist.


While I'm as excited as I was when the original launch trailer dropped, it's fairly obvious that aside from the super-jumping, super-body-slamming, and super-nut-kicking, not a whole lot has changed. The last game was all about regular jumping, body slamming, and nut kicking, so without a major engine upgrade the whole experience could start to feel familiar in spite of its zaniness.

I'm sure there will be enough jokes for the whole thing to be worth the price of admission, but I can't help but think it would have been a better idea to wait until next-gen to give us more Saint's Row, rather than throwing this content into a nearly five-year-old game engine.

Either way, they've already got my money... What? There's gonna be boobs...

Next-Box

And if you missed it yesterday (and why wouldn't you have, I was too hungover to blog), it seems the next Xbox will not in fact require a persistent internet connection as has been rumored for some time (that rumor extending to one particular Microsoft employee leaving the company after publicly embarrassing himself on Twitter.)

However, the verbiage from their press release (click here for a look at it on arstechnica) is still a little bit vague, and exactly what is meant by a scenario in which the "users expect [the console] to work without an internet connection," hasn't been made expressly clear, and personally I'd imagine that's because the next-box will in fact work offline, but will be completely fucking crippled without an internet connection.

This will be especially true if Microsoft decides to make it impossible for users to play used games on their new console, a move that will more than likely sell a few PS4s. But again, all rumor at this point, and Microsoft fans are wringing their hands in the hope that their chosen console manufacturer isn't so unbelievably fucking stupid. The big reveal is only two weeks out (May 21st), so all (or most) of our questions should be answered soon.

Summer-summer-summe---ahhh, screw the whole thing.

So here we are again. In the summer lull. Nothing amazing coming down the pipe for quite some time. We were to have Grand Theft Auto V by now (today, I think, was the original release date), but they've held back until this fall. Not that I have a problem with that. I always approve of a game company taking their time and delivering a product that's as clean as possible and worth everyone's time. Yet now, I've nothing to get me through the summer. Again.

If there were a GTA game out right now that was bigger than San Andreas, it would have my attention for 3 months. But no. Nothing to play (FWPs all day). Blood Dragon has come and gone and was only a 4 hour affair (even though it didn't need to be any longer than that), and the landscape looks bleak. Why the fuck does the video game industry so consistently abandon my birth month? I'm sure there's some bullshit excuse like "Oh, a lot of big movies are coming out and people want to spend their time outdoors." Well fuck them and their tans. I want games dammit.

Ok, admittedly, this coming summer is looking a lot better than summers past. In just a little over a week we're finally going to be able to play Metro: Last Light, a game I can't believe more people aren't talking about. I watched the first demo video for the post-apocalyptic shooter (I know, we've never played one of those before), and I gotta say there are some really great mechanics and animations at work. Take a look for yourself:



Then, of course, in mid June; The Last of Us. I've never disliked a Naughty Dog game, and based on the "meet the infected" video from yesterday and everything else I've learned about the game, I don't think I'm going to start now. If you don't know anything about it, check out the link from the last sentence, Google "The Last of Us," then punch yourself in the face for reading a video game blog and not knowing anything about a game that will probably be at the top of many "best of 2013" lists. Here's a screen shot, slacker.

Much like God of War 2 on PS2, it's quite likely that The Last of Us will be the last truly good looking AAA game on the PS3. So enjoy it while you can, and before you get knifed waiting in line for a PS4. Or GTAV.

And enjoy the summer lull, I suppose. Come fall, we'll all be risking our lives for PS4's, Grand Theft Auto V's, and Watch Dogs's's's.

Not quite Irish Coffee, May 3rd, 2013

Short one today. My birthday weekend has begun! As has the whiskey consumption and - clearly - downer discussion worthy of my Irish ancestry. I kid! Iron Man 3 tomorrow! Whiskey! Poor judgement! Oh, and I also made another 10 seconds of rage video in anticipation of Iron Man 3, and if you haven't already, check out my review of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. See you Monday, people! (I'll be hungover)

Last night I had a small bout of game fatigue. More than likely the result of playing through the entirety of Blood Dragon and writing a review for it in less than 36 hours. And it wasn’t the game’s fault. At all. I was just done with playing.

But there’s a problem with that. I don’t know any other way to unwind. I’ve always just leaned back on the couch with a game controller in hand and let escapism massage my brain back to health. So, as opposed to doing something absurd like not playing a video game to relax (which would surely lead to some form of substance abuse), I asked myself what I really wanted to play.

I usually just reach for something current. In an effort to make this whole game writing affair “my line of work,” I spend all of my time trying to keep up with trends, playing games that are both relevant and timely, and I rarely dive backward into my collection save for some seriously retro romps in my ROM collection. But last night I skipped that stuff. I needed to relax. Again, I thought about what I really wanted to play.

In went Mirror’s Edge. In my darkest hour, when I didn’t think another game could be played, in goes a first person parkour game from five years ago. Jesus, was it five years ago? I’m turning 30 tomorrow and time is starting to turn into some kind of stew. No linearity at all, I just bump into memories like a fork hitting a chunk of potato. Anyway...

I thought I said "Don't look down?" Clearly you've looked down.

Mirror’s Edge was the last risk that EA ever took. It was an amazing experience precisely for that reason. Flawed? Certainly. That’s how experiments tend to work. Or you could call them the growing pains of a new genre. But Mirror’s Edge stands as proof that some really interesting things can happen when creativity and AAA money come together. Something there is a sore lack of in gaming just these five little years later.

All the creativity seems to rest with indie gaming, and while that’s certainly a great thing for gaming, I’d like to see the creativity return to the big budget game. But, gaming’s a business, so I don’t think that’ll be happening any time soon.

Explanation for gap in service.

And that explanation (excuse) is this: Vacation last weekend, birthday planning for this weekend, a sick kittie cat that had to go to the emergency vet (she's fine and coming home today), and lastly Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. A game I'm sure you're aware I was a little bit excited about.

I started playing it yesterday morning at 7:30am, spent all day playing it and typing out my thoughts/notes. Crashed out, and spent all day today writing a review that ended up being nearly 1700 words. That review can be found here. I haven't done a straight up review in a while, and I was really excited to play Blood Dragon, so what you'll find if you click that link is both a writing exercise and a test of my journalistic integrity. You tell me if it worked.

In the midst of all that I'm still exercising like a crazy person in anticipation of the coming surf season, and now I'm just completely shot. I'm going to shower, lean back on my couch, and maybe play a little more Blood Dragon without the burden of a review hanging over my head.

Oh, and I can't recommend the following video of Jon Stewart interviewing Robert Downey Jr. highly enough. I think they were both a little star struck. Pretty awesome.

Catch you guys tomorrow morning.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Robert Downey Jr.
www.thedailyshow.com
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