Irish Coffee, May 9th, 2013

I'm angry today. If you find this rant offensive... Good, that was the point. And stop being offended. It makes you look weak.

Jesus fuck. How sensitive is the world becoming?

Yesterday, this article popped up on Kotaku. I’ll save you the trouble of having to give them page views. The “author,” of that piece took issue with the use of a gay joke at the beginning of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon... Ahem...

Far Cry Fucking 3: Blood Dragon. A game with a crotch grabbing, misogynistic stereotype of the 80s action hero for a protagonist. A whole fucking game played as a send up to a particularly ridiculous yet inarguably awesome period in cinematic history, and you took offense to a gay joke? A game in which you shoot and stab HUNDREDS OF FUCKING PEOPLE AND TEAR OUT THEIR HEARTS! A game in which the damsel in distress takes her clothes off at the first opportunity and cyberfucks Rex Power Colt’s Metallic Wonder Cock. Yet you were offended by a gay joke?

Metallic Wonder Cock gives him +5  thrust capacity.

Ok, let’s take a step back for a second and assume that none of the rest of that stuff could possibly be construed as offensive, and forget for a moment that the entire fucking game is a joke. This is what constitutes journalism? A real conversation about important issues? A joke at the beginning of an 80s action cinema lampoon?

And is this how easily people are offended in 2013? Has it come this far? What the fuck is there going to be left to laugh at if I can’t make fun of someone’s race, sexual preference, taste in clothing, preferred fast food restaurant or favorite brand of anal lubricant? “You use astroglide? What a fag.” Will they come after The Daily Show for making fun of so many republicans? “That’s their choice and you have to respect it!” That last sentence, by the way, was in the most mocking tone I could possibly muster. In my head.

Our differences are what make comedy possible! Comedy, which has pulled us through national and international tragedy, made it possible to laugh in the face of death or danger, and was an extremely important weapon for me as a fat kid. Actual hate? Actual anger? Actually saying things or - more to the point - doing things that hurt people? Fuck that shit. Get back in your wagon and enjoy the early 20th century.

But god dammit, making fun of someone for what they are is what makes this country great (you can start humming the national anthem now). I’m proud to live in a country where someone can make fun of the fact that I’m going bald while I call them a fairy. I’m glad to know that they’ll still be my friend afterward. I’m proud to live in a country where comedians can build entire careers on making fun of another race or socioeconomic segment of society. I’m glad to know that no one thought he was being serious. I’m proud to live in a country that not only celebrates the differences in its citizenry, but pantses people for those differences.

Before I leave you with a quote from the immortal Louis C.K., I’d just like to say: If you’re offended by a joke at the beginning of a video game that is itself a bunch of jokes, you deserve to be given a wedgie and shoved in a locker. You are a little weenie. Also, you’re too young for political commentary, cuz we did over-offended already. It was called the 90s.

“In my day you didn’t call someone a faggot cuz they were gay. You called someone a faggot because they were being a fucking faggot.” - Louis C.K.

Irish Coffee, April 30th, 2013

Took me twenty-four hours to recover from a weekend of relaxation, but I seemed to have at least honed by brain enough to cut butter, if not overripe banana so... y'know... Yaaayyy... Before we get into the blog, in case you're not aware, there's a new set of Grand Theft Auto V trailers out, and they can be found here. I'll save "trailer analysis" for people dumb enough to do that sort of thing for page views. ("Trailer analysis." Also known as pausing it every 5 seconds and yammering on like a jackass that has no idea what he/she is talking about.) It's my birthday week, and I'll be playing Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon in less than 24 hours, maybe as few as twelve if XBL gets their shit together. Happy almost summer, people!

Nothing has helped the average moviegoer understand the difficult task of production like “behind the scenes" featurettes and commentary tracks. Sure, in the land of VHS many might have understood the basics: It’s expensive, it’s time consuming... it’s expensive. But in the land of the internet and extensive “making of” documentation, viewers now understand the utter insanity that is the set of the summer blockbuster and have a greater respect for the process.

This is what Abrams did with $140,000,000? ... Wait...

And this understanding isn’t just a passive one. The internet will of course be the internet, and everyone demands their opinion be heard and fancies themselves an expert filmmaker because they watched all nine hours of behind the scenes content on the Lord of the Rings blu-rays. Much in the same way a dipshit commenter accuses a person with a literature degree of not knowing the definition of the word “satire” because he reads things on the internet. Oops, that last part was personal.

No matter the case, this knowledge has created an environment in which Michael Bay has rebooted his reboot of his Ninja Turtles movie in response to some extremely pissed off fans, pictures and video are coming from the set of Amazing Spider-Man 2 on a near-daily basis, and Star Wars Episode VII’s production has said that fans and their feedback are “important to the process.”

And we receive important information; Like how ridiculous Spidey looks before post.

This sort of fan-service could easily result in many bad decisions, but well worded, cogent arguments tend to rise to the top on the aggregate-driven internet of 2013 and most film productions seem to be benefit when they acknowledge these well-made points. The process of filmmaking and the inherent difficulty of that process is now understood on a basic level by the fans, and this seems beneficial as a community of inclusion is now being built in the industry.

So why can’t games do this?

There seems to be a lack of respect for the game developer. For some reason game players are far more critical of game creators (re: mean) than film fans are of film creators. It could be the cost of the product and the time spent with it, or the emotional attachment that extends from the inherent interaction of the medium, or it could be a lack of understanding that stems from secretive production cycles. Many movies keep an equally tight lid on their process, but that’s clearly changing, as mentioned, even effecting those directors that are notorious for keeping fans in the dark while they work. Directors like JJ Abrams, who is (and I’m sure you know this, but it bears repeating) at the helm of the aforementioned Star Wars: Episode VII. 

Even in the case of an ultra secure production, the doors are thrown open upon home release to reveal a McDuckian treasure trove of “making of” information. This extra stuff is in many cases the reason not to pirate, as download sizes of a full blu-ray disk are prohibitive for even the most ardent of pirate, unless they have access to uncommon and ungodly internet connection speeds. Another benefit to be had by giving gamers the “behind the camera” access that movie fans receive.

Shown: Explanation of "McDuckian." Also, JJ Abrams' house.

Let gamers be a part of the process to the degree that movie fans are. Then there’d be an understanding - a true understanding - held by the average gamer that game creation is difficult, and that it can be an emotionally taxing and creatively exhausting process. We don't even have the gaming equivalent of the IMDB yet. Not one that works to similar effect, anyway.

The only difficulty is whether gamers would be interested in such things. Certainly, games don’t quite have the visceral behind the scenes footage in which it’s revealed that it took 9 cameras, 6 gallons of green M&Ms, 3 dead stunt guys, and 37 blowjob machines to complete the scene in which the armored school bus blows up a nunnery, but post-production of a film looks a lot like principal-production of a game, and that stuff can be equally interesting. And with games like Two Souls finally drawing some real Hollywood talent to the game creation landscape, a culture drenched in celebrity worship would knock over their own grandmother for an opportunity to kneel at the alter and see Ellen Page in a skin-tight mocap suit.

Let us in, game devs! We have so much love to give!

Irish Coffee, April 25th, 2013

Good morrow! Blood Dragon, Blood Dragon, Blood Dragon. Yesss! Dammit, I'm excited about this video game, and if you need evidence of that, just read the following blog. It's a bit gushy. In other news, another ridiculous video (Iron Man 2 this time), and I think it's an improvement. I've just been making these damn things as a warm up exercise, then watching them in a loop for no reason other than extremely short attentio- SQUIRREL!... False alarm, sorry about that. Weird morning.

The excitement. It’s consuming me. Has the world ever given you a present - a game, a movie, a book, a song - that so encapsulates everything you love that you feel like it was made just for you? Oh, to be a unique and delicate snowflake. And to receive the gift that is Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. My childhood is one giant neon blur of cyberpunk movies, flux capacitors, ghost busting, and ninjafied turtles, and Ubisoft seems to have Inceptioned that particular part of my brain.

If you’ve read my blog at all over the past month, you’ll know that I’ve made no small deal about this game, and that deal is only getting bigger between now and Blood Dragon’s May 1st release date. Hollywood gives me Iron Man 3, Ubisoft gives me Blood Dragon. My 30th birthday shall not suck.

Movie time:

Even if, for some reason, the Day-Glo dystopian aesthetic isn’t making your tingly bits stand up in take notice, did you happen to notice the fucking cyber-dragon shooting down a fucking helicopter with a fucking laser it shot out of its mouth?! If that had no effect, you have no soul and I’m fairly certain you should be on a watch list of some sort. You frighten me.

But beyond the differences are the similarities, and this expansion is going to give me more Far Cry 3. A game that came out of nowhere to be my AAA game of the year in 2012, and that I’ve sorely missed. I’ve actually just thrown it back into my 360, as I know I’m out of Far Cry 3 shape, and I need to get limbered up for Blood Dragon. Sacrifice is demanded.

Far Cry 3 is a game most effectively played when you chuck survival out of the window and put your energy into cinematic destruction of your enemies. Yes, you can just sit outside of a base with a sniper rifle and slowly pick off every offending pirate, but that’s just a waste of gaming’s gift to us all: Infinite respawns. Pick up a bandolier of molotov cocktails, burn everything around the base, and while the enemies are distracted, jump off of a water tower and bury a machete in their neck. Maybe a throwing knife. Maybe you just run through their base being chased by a tiger like you’re in a Benny Hill sketch, leaving them to deal with the blood thirsty beast. The point is you can have fun with it. 

And there’s that word again: Fun. Games are supposed to be fun. And any bastard developer that forgets that is gonna have me to deal with. It won’t be pretty. I’m 20% redneck and I have a drinking problem.

Irish Coffee, April 17th, 2013

Sorry there wasn’t a blog post yesterday folks (or any word from me for that matter). I had the events in Boston on my mind, wouldn’t have been able to write without mentioning it, and didn’t want to mention it on a comedy(?)-gaming blog. So I didn’t. And honestly, there wasn’t much to write about in the way of gaming news yesterday. Nor is there today, it would seem. 

Oh, before we go any further, I'm completely aware of this morning's Nintendo Direct and Link to the Past 2. I just don't care. How is this a big deal? More rehash. Another tasteless cash grab that insults the original game by putting it on a gimmicky portable. Fuck you Nintendo, the WiiU is bad and you should feel bad. Moving on.

I know these blog posts are usually topical, but there honestly aren’t any topics to discuss. Not one stitch of gaming news out there that would make anyone react with more than a “meh.” Oh, look, Ace Attorney 5 has a release date. I don’t even know what the fuck that is. I’m assuming it’s the japanese DS game with the screaming anime attorney, but I could be wrong. Don’t care if I am, either.

Boooorred. I’m so bloody bored. I’m like Sherlock between cases, just not as smart or handsome. I am cranking away at my first video project ever, and it’s going well, but no one warned me how tedious video editing can be. They should’ve called it digital crochet. I should come up with some better analogies.

Oh, there is this live action Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon video released in anticipation of the game’s launch on May 1st, and it’s fairly amusing.

But that’s hardly news. And I’m consistently terrified by the lack perspective shown by 90s kids toward the 80s. I suppose that explains why they’re all wearing 80s clothes. They don’t realize how horrible it was the first time around... And why the fuck is youtube encouraging this shit with “VHS mode” on their videos? I... just... huh? 

We’ve spent all these years, clawing our way to 3D/HD video, only to optionally go back to low-def as a novelty? Is the world so lacking in substance that the concept of VHS seems a rich experience? Cuz it fucking wasn't. There's is NO REASON TO BE NOSTALGIC HERE! Turn back!

Do you kids have any idea how hard it was to masturbate to a blurry VHS pause screen? Do you? Cuz it was fucking annoying. Especially if you had a VCR that stopped the video after being paused for five minutes. So, twenty minutes for a blur-free boob-pause, and five minutes to finish up. Fucking horrible. If you want to relive the 80s so badly, buy a shitty Zach Morris phone that barely gets any reception, go to a store to buy your media, masturbate to pictures on parchment, and watch everything in low definition. Do that and I won’t punch you for wearing leg warmers.

I’ll try to think of any interesting topic for tomorrow morning. More interesting than fapping, I mean.