BMW, Bioshock, and Buying Our Way to "Freedom."

Presently, there are a couple of things rattling around in my brainpan like loose chunks of head gasket. And that forced automotive metaphor certainly has its place, as one of those things is BMW’s new i3 electric car. The other is Bioshock: Infinite’s Burial at Sea DLC. Also, somewhere on the back burner, the sense of crushing guilt dealt to me by the fluttering southern tones of a nice old lady that answered my call of apology to the dentist’s office when I forgot my appointment this morning. I haven’t heard disappointment in a woman’s voice that condemning since I lost my virginity. BOOM! I’m back. Class all the way.

I swear there’s a common thread between these events/announcements and if there isn’t, by god, I’ll stumble around my keyboard until I can duct tape them together well enough to give the impression that I have a vague sense of what I’m doing. First, the BMW i3.

I’ll keep this brief, as I doubt many people visiting a blog called “Whiskey and Video Games” yearn to read a diatribe about a disappointing automobile. But I must say (and bear in mind that I say this as a BMW owner/enthusiast): Seriously, BMW, what the fuck?

On its surface, the i3’s not really that horrible. Ok, well, on its surface it is because just look at this damn thing. It’s uglier than the wart on a wart. It looks like it should have “Playskool” written across the side of it. It makes the Pontiac Aztec look like a Jaguar E-Type. It’s the automotive equivalent of Donald Trump’s combover. Ok, I’m done.

No, I'm not. Seriously, if it were a human it would be the result of inbreeding and botched plastic surgery.

It’s certainly comparable if not better than the Nissan Leaf and its ilk, it’s built by BMW, a car company that can’t make a machine that’s unpleasant to drive (except for the X6), and has a 0-60 time of around 7 seconds. In these ways it’s certainly not an automotive affront, but that’s not the whole story.

As pointed out concisely and without use of extraneous expletives on Slate.com, the i3 commits the cardinal sin of being “good for an electric car” in a post Tesla S world. The Tesla S, which aimed simply to be a good car that happened to be electric. And in a move that’s as hilarious as it is ironic, included in the price of the BMW i3 is a loan service that allows you to borrow a combustion car should you need to do anything that “real cars” do. Let that sink in. Part of BMW’s marketing strategy for selling you an electric car is that their electric car is mostly useless. A rental SUV would certainly not be a requirement if the i3 was “a good car” not “good for an electric car.” 

(There is absolutely no way, at this point, I’ll go on a tangent about how ridiculous the electric car is as an environmental savior as their production is more environmentally damaging than that of a traditional car, and they receive their energy from coal fired power plants. Totally not going to do that. And I certainly wouldn’t link you to a study by the Journal of Industrial Ecology discussing just that. No way.)

One rattle down, one to go. Ok, two. I seriously can’t believe I forgot my dentist appointment. It was a long one too. Probably fucked up the day of a few people. The siren song of Old Lady Guilt has crashed the ship of my self-worth against the rocks of You Fucked Up and Should Feel Bad About It Island. Better get back on topic and finish this blog so I can go lie down and reevaluate my life choices.

And now the tale of DLC I hate from a game I love, and DLC I love from a game I hate. If my Ezio costume and blogs from March and April are any indication, I love Assassin’s Creed and hate Bioshock: Infinite. I honestly couldn’t tell you; my opinions change like the wind. What I will say is this: The multiplayer DLC for Assassin’s Creed III is utter shit. Compared with the DLC packs for AC: Revelations and AC: Brotherhood, AC3’s paltry character and map upgrades (for which I shelled out $10 I didn’t really have at the time) are an affront to fans of the series everywhere. Though, this was almost to be expected, as Ubisoft slapped supporters of its franchise in the face with F2P style microtransactions so absurd that they make Dead Space 3’s similar system look fan-friendly by comparison.

And Ubisoft’s cynical money grab is the perfect example of DLC gone wrong. Too much money for too little content that does nothing to improve upon the experience players shelled out $60 for, and instead feels like content that was created with the main game, then ripped from it to be sold back later. But at least there’s monetary evidence to back such a strategy. At least they didn’t add more content to the worst aspect of the original game and attempt to sell it for $5. That would just be ridiculous. And stupid. And would make any thinking person’s brain hurt. No one would ever do that.

Oh.

Clash of the Clouds is an extremely stupid idea, but in a brilliant bit of PR on its release day (today, as of publication), Irrational announced this. 

And all is seemingly forgiven (at least by players. Game journalists are having a fucking ball trying to drum-up support for a pitchfork party). 

But before we get to why Burial at Sea is so brilliant, let's get the ugly out of the way. It’s no secret that I really didn’t like Bioshock: Infinite, and the ire I hurled its way was mostly the result of its failed potential. All its impressive story beats were undercut by moments of cheese dense enough to be illegal in the US. All of its impressive environments were undercut by NPC’s that more closely resembled the animatronic denizens of a Disney ride from the 1970s than living, breathing people. And the entire affair was undercut by combat so abysmal that the act of actually playing the game felt like more like turning the crank on a phonograph than palpably engaging a digital space. 

In spite of all of this, I applaud Irrational’s Burial at Sea with a fervor that would make my hands sting if I weren’t a complete powerhouse that hasn’t felt pain since 1996. What they are offering to not only Infinite fans, but fans of the Bioshock franchise as a whole, is - from what can be gathered - a piece of single player DLC that is tonally and aesthetically so different from the original game that to say it doesn’t add value to the initial Infinite experience is impossible. And yes, Rapture is back, Rapture was used before (twice), but in an interview with GameTrailers, Ken Levine says that all the assets for the city had to be recreated to work with Infinite. That’s work. That’s many man-hours of human effort. And despite what assholes with gaming blogs (hi!) might say about the game, the Burial at Sea add-on is (seemingly) a good product at a reasonable price that fans of the franchise will love. It’s not just “good for DLC” it’s not simply "good enough', it's "good" period.

Oh shit. Didn’t think I was going to be able to make that connection didja? Huh?! Well I fucking did! JOURNALISM’D!

At their core, both the BMW i3 and DLC the likes of AC3’s multiplayer add-on commit the sin of being “good enough,” while the likes of Tesla and Irrational Games aim for simply “good”. In a world of NSA monitoring, governments and corporations that are accountable for nothing, once great cities filing for bankruptcy while their law enforcement officials rob the populace, riots, coups and corrupt interim governments, We the People are exceedingly disheartened with our lack of control. The only way to have any control at all, the only means of conveying our collective discontent in a manner not completely impotent, is to speak with our wallets. Sadly, the only control we have left is control of what we buy. We the Informed Consumer. 

If events like the XBone debacle and gay bars refusing to buy Russian Vodka have proven anything, it's that we might let our rights be destroyed, but we’ll choose the form of our destroyer. We might not have any power. We might not stop eating fast food long enough to revolt. We might do laps around a Wal-Mart exercising our “control” until a S.W.A.T. team kicks in our front door and breaks everything we own because we accidentally said “bomb” on the phone while having a heated debate about The Lone Ranger. But by God, if you release a product that's highest aspiration is to be “good enough”, you’ll have hell to pay. On Reddit.

Irish Coffee, May 9th, 2013

I'm angry today. If you find this rant offensive... Good, that was the point. And stop being offended. It makes you look weak.

Jesus fuck. How sensitive is the world becoming?

Yesterday, this article popped up on Kotaku. I’ll save you the trouble of having to give them page views. The “author,” of that piece took issue with the use of a gay joke at the beginning of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon... Ahem...

Far Cry Fucking 3: Blood Dragon. A game with a crotch grabbing, misogynistic stereotype of the 80s action hero for a protagonist. A whole fucking game played as a send up to a particularly ridiculous yet inarguably awesome period in cinematic history, and you took offense to a gay joke? A game in which you shoot and stab HUNDREDS OF FUCKING PEOPLE AND TEAR OUT THEIR HEARTS! A game in which the damsel in distress takes her clothes off at the first opportunity and cyberfucks Rex Power Colt’s Metallic Wonder Cock. Yet you were offended by a gay joke?

Metallic Wonder Cock gives him +5  thrust capacity.

Ok, let’s take a step back for a second and assume that none of the rest of that stuff could possibly be construed as offensive, and forget for a moment that the entire fucking game is a joke. This is what constitutes journalism? A real conversation about important issues? A joke at the beginning of an 80s action cinema lampoon?

And is this how easily people are offended in 2013? Has it come this far? What the fuck is there going to be left to laugh at if I can’t make fun of someone’s race, sexual preference, taste in clothing, preferred fast food restaurant or favorite brand of anal lubricant? “You use astroglide? What a fag.” Will they come after The Daily Show for making fun of so many republicans? “That’s their choice and you have to respect it!” That last sentence, by the way, was in the most mocking tone I could possibly muster. In my head.

Our differences are what make comedy possible! Comedy, which has pulled us through national and international tragedy, made it possible to laugh in the face of death or danger, and was an extremely important weapon for me as a fat kid. Actual hate? Actual anger? Actually saying things or - more to the point - doing things that hurt people? Fuck that shit. Get back in your wagon and enjoy the early 20th century.

But god dammit, making fun of someone for what they are is what makes this country great (you can start humming the national anthem now). I’m proud to live in a country where someone can make fun of the fact that I’m going bald while I call them a fairy. I’m glad to know that they’ll still be my friend afterward. I’m proud to live in a country where comedians can build entire careers on making fun of another race or socioeconomic segment of society. I’m glad to know that no one thought he was being serious. I’m proud to live in a country that not only celebrates the differences in its citizenry, but pantses people for those differences.

Before I leave you with a quote from the immortal Louis C.K., I’d just like to say: If you’re offended by a joke at the beginning of a video game that is itself a bunch of jokes, you deserve to be given a wedgie and shoved in a locker. You are a little weenie. Also, you’re too young for political commentary, cuz we did over-offended already. It was called the 90s.

“In my day you didn’t call someone a faggot cuz they were gay. You called someone a faggot because they were being a fucking faggot.” - Louis C.K.

Not quite Irish Coffee, May 3rd, 2013

Short one today. My birthday weekend has begun! As has the whiskey consumption and - clearly - downer discussion worthy of my Irish ancestry. I kid! Iron Man 3 tomorrow! Whiskey! Poor judgement! Oh, and I also made another 10 seconds of rage video in anticipation of Iron Man 3, and if you haven't already, check out my review of Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. See you Monday, people! (I'll be hungover)

Last night I had a small bout of game fatigue. More than likely the result of playing through the entirety of Blood Dragon and writing a review for it in less than 36 hours. And it wasn’t the game’s fault. At all. I was just done with playing.

But there’s a problem with that. I don’t know any other way to unwind. I’ve always just leaned back on the couch with a game controller in hand and let escapism massage my brain back to health. So, as opposed to doing something absurd like not playing a video game to relax (which would surely lead to some form of substance abuse), I asked myself what I really wanted to play.

I usually just reach for something current. In an effort to make this whole game writing affair “my line of work,” I spend all of my time trying to keep up with trends, playing games that are both relevant and timely, and I rarely dive backward into my collection save for some seriously retro romps in my ROM collection. But last night I skipped that stuff. I needed to relax. Again, I thought about what I really wanted to play.

In went Mirror’s Edge. In my darkest hour, when I didn’t think another game could be played, in goes a first person parkour game from five years ago. Jesus, was it five years ago? I’m turning 30 tomorrow and time is starting to turn into some kind of stew. No linearity at all, I just bump into memories like a fork hitting a chunk of potato. Anyway...

I thought I said "Don't look down?" Clearly you've looked down.

Mirror’s Edge was the last risk that EA ever took. It was an amazing experience precisely for that reason. Flawed? Certainly. That’s how experiments tend to work. Or you could call them the growing pains of a new genre. But Mirror’s Edge stands as proof that some really interesting things can happen when creativity and AAA money come together. Something there is a sore lack of in gaming just these five little years later.

All the creativity seems to rest with indie gaming, and while that’s certainly a great thing for gaming, I’d like to see the creativity return to the big budget game. But, gaming’s a business, so I don’t think that’ll be happening any time soon.

Irish Coffee, April 23rd, 2013

I'm back! Last week was kind of... Well, it was kind of rough for everybody everywhere. Seemed like the world was coming apart, and I didn't really have game writing in me. I do, after all, love games enough to be really fucking angry at them half of the time, and anger was just not on the menu last week. Just a kind of thin veneer of sad. Not even depression, just sad (no, not sadness either). That said, regular service resumes today. Oh, and I made this ridiculous video as an editing exercise. The video project is coming, I swear, and it will be funny. Also, an article on The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Shinji Mikami.

Thank god for Guacamelee. After a number of a AAA titles that barely ruffled my feathers, a fifteen dollar indie game again proves that budgets don’t matter, and that gaming’s greatest pleasures can be had when we dial it back, and just have fun with the damn things.

Oh... Oh no. I think I’m turning into a game hipster. All these indies I’m so in love with: Journey, Super Meat Boy, The Unfinished Swan. That’s how it starts. Next thing you know I’ll be deriding AAA titles in my Ninja Turtle beanie while I take duck-face-self-shots of myself drinking craft beer.

NOOOO!!!

It’s too late. This is the only fate for the jaded gamer. Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe the whole term “hipster” is just a recycled pop culture phrase from the 1930s, used as a catch-all to describe a particular set of interests. A set of interests that were never meant to be exposed to the harsh light of popularity, but have been adopted en masse by a world that uses the internet to find the best of everything. Maybe judging someone by something as shallow the content of their game collection, alcohol preference, or clothing choices isn’t going to result in an accurate representation of who they are as a person. Or maybe Allagash tastes better than Budweiser, Journey’s a better game than Bioshock Infinite, and fuck you I love my Ninja Turtle beanie.

But back to Guacamelee before I go any further off the rails. First, the small talk: Created by Drinkbox Studios, Guacamelee is a wonderfully executed Metroidvania game with extremely tight controls, a hybrid beat-em-up fight system, a well realized (if quirky) artistic style, and all the inside jokes and references expected of an independent game. (Independent games are, after all, by the fans for the fans.) Taking the role of a Juan the Luchador out to rescue The Princess from The World of the Damned, you’ll take great pleasure in body slamming skeletons with a move list the length of which normally isn’t found on this side of Final Fight. If you’re not a fan of the genre, then no need to apply, but if you are, this is best representation released in quite some time.

This is a tame screenshot. Very tame.

The sense of satisfaction and palpable sense of character control are really tying this one together. Without spoiling anything, once you’ve unlocked all of Juan the Luchador’s abilities, you’ll chain together some pretty epic combos with nothing short of a mile wide grin on your face. Buy Guacamelee, body slam some skeletons.

I’ve been thinking about something lately in reference to AAA titles, and maybe I’m wrong, but: All the flash and quicktime events and predictability are making the titles that are supposed to be the most immersive into the least immersive. I can categorically say that I felt more a part of Guacamelee’s Mexican inspired backdrop than I felt a part of Columbia in Bioshock: Infinite, or whatever-the-fuck the name of the island was in Tomb Raider. (For those keeping score, that’s one AAA title I didn’t like and one I did.)

It’s not that Guacamelee is doing anything that’s completely new itself, but there’s something about the average AAA title that’s just... Soulless, I suppose. I just feel detached from what’s happening in front of me. And while those games do give me “Holy fuck, that was badass,” moments, that’s about all they do. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Immersion is everything, and I don’t think the modern AAA title is all that immersive. They’re certainly not as immersive as a silly Metroidvania game that has more dick jokes in it than my average blog.

That idea’s not fully formed yet, I know. I have a question, but not an answer. I’ll be sure to tell you when I do.

Irish Coffee, April 10th, 2013

Ok, I had to get this out. It was tearing me up inside. The entire gaming world is fawning over Bioshock Infinite, and well...

I didn’t like Bioshock Infinite.

Everybody keeps talking about all this “new” stuff it did. Am I just that thick? What exactly did Infinite do that was new and interesting, or is there some sort of tacit agreement with Irrational Games that I’m unaware of, and they send a hit squad to your house if you don’t repeat the PR verbiage? It’s a shooter (and everyone seems capable of admitting that it’s not very good at that job), set in a very pretty place, with powers very similar to those in the last two Bioshock titles, and a twist ending that’s designed to make people feel dumb if they don’t get it when in fact it doesn’t make any damn sense anyway. Sorry, but Infinite just bored the piss out of me.

Sorry, Lizzy, this only gets worse.

I loved Bioshock 1, played all of an hour of Bioshock 2 because it was retread, and must have finished Infinite because I’m a masochist. Yet the whole world keeps talking about it like it's gaming's second coming. Please, somebody, help me out here.

If I say Bioshock Infinite is a bad game, I’m the idiot. Why the hell is that? Because it’s a boring game with dead backgrounds, gameplay that feels more turned based than anything else, a floating city that does very little to convey that it’s floating, and a rehashed (and paired down, for some fucked up reason) version of a combat mechanic from Bioshock, which has been out for six years and is a far better game in nearly every respect? Is it fun to shoot at bad guys that don't react to gunshot wounds for hours at a time for the privilege of experiences an awkwardly scripted cut scene?

Yet Infinite gets amazing reviews... Why? Because they “tried something new.” Everybody keeps fucking saying that, but what exactly did they try that was new? Anybody? Please someone tell me, because the reviews don’t. They just leave it there. Bullshit, they tried something new. It’s Bioshock on a floating city. Bioshock did some new things, Bioshock Infinite doesn’t.

Does ambition preclude fair assessment of the end product? What the fuck did Infinite actually do so well? Everyone keeps saying that Columbia’s "brilliantly realized," but it’s just fucking not. It’s inhabitants barely say a word, don’t move (how long will that paperboy wave his product in my face? Until time rends itself from the universe?), and fucking vanish when combat begins. They don’t run away, they vanish. Do mothers carry their children on the skyrails? Did I miss that explanation? Why can’t I talk to anyone or buy anything, or in any way interact with this big, pretty, city they spent so much time designing? The whole of Columbia feels like the Wounded Knee exhibit from the end of act one, or a movie set from a spaghetti western.

Oh, they must be talking about the plot. The over-the-top, cheese dripping swill the likes of which I haven’t seen outside of a Lifetime movie. Other games have had better plots, or at least similar plots as far as their means of conveyance and execution, so it can’t be that.

So... Skyhooks?

But I would still be “wrong” if I wrote a bad review for it. Why? Because it was expensive to produce? Because everyone on the development team tried so hard? Has the real world started handing out fucking achievement ribbons? Do we now reward mere effort like the judges of a fifth grade science fair? I blame metacritic.

I don’t have a problem with a lot of what Infinite does, but it certainly isn’t new, it certainly isn’t innovative, and it certainly isn't blowing up any skirts in the gameplay department. I felt bored and unsatisfied every second of the Infinite experience. I’m playing Journey and Tomb Raider again to get the taste out of my mouth. Maybe a bit of Far Cry 3 or Bioshock 1. Y’know, good video games.

Really liked Elizabeth, though. 5.5/10

Doesn't make any sense to me, either.